im not sure how im gonna organize this part of my site, but im sure ill figure out a way once i have a collection of updates on here!
sometimes i feel bad about being autistic. i feel like when i talk about mny special interests im being annoying and like im bothering people and i feel like whenever i talk weird because i dont know how to socialize normally im also just being annoying. it happens a lot with johnnys family where ill want to express that i like something or am excited about something and i end up just saying something really weird in a weird voice like "Yay ... I am so excited/happy!!!" and then kinda like clench my hands together or something cuz i do that to stim often and then theyll laugh at me or something or just be confused and it makes me feel like they think im stupid or something. a while ago me and johnny went to a while elephant party with his dad and i couldnt participate much because it was so loud in the house and so me and johnny just hung out outside the whole time and his dad kept trying to get us to come inside until johnny had to literally go up and tell him "hey she has autism and its so loud in there shes really overstimulated she cant rn" and thankflly his dad understood and everything but it really just made me upset because it made me feel stupid. ive always been like that where i cant participate in parties and stuff like that because of the noise and because of just being embarrassed and feeling awkward the entire time im there and it just makes me feel like an alien kinda. i wish i could get professionally diagnosed but i dont have the money or any insurance like that from work and whatever so people would understand "oh, shes not a fucking weirdo, she just has autism" because im so tired of everyone i know besides johnny acting like im either exaggerating or that im just weird. i bet my coworkers genuinely think im from another planet because i seriously dont know how to talk to them or to customers and i genuinely act like ive never interacted with a human every time i open my fucking mouth. i literally go out of my way to avoid talkikng to anyone because im so bad at talking to strangers. i really want to get diagnosed so people come to me with the expectation that im fucking slow instead of talking to me like im like any other non autistic person. i hate having to pretend im not autistic every single day and its so exhausting. i want a day where i can go to work and theres a giant sign taped to my forehead saying "IM CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER" and people leave me alone and just let me do my job and dont make smalltalk with me about something fucking stupid like how their sisters cousins twice removed's dog died 3 days ago and now they have to buy a sorry for your loss card and unfortunately im the one that has to ring them up. literally just fucking kill me at this point im begging you
wow..... it is officially 2025.... that is so crazy!!! it almost seems like a fake number. my new years was really fun and i got to sleep over at johnnys house last night and celebrate the new year and also the one year anniversary of us being engaged!!!! we got all dressed up and danced to the playlist we were listening to when he originally proposed and he took my ring off my finger and pretended to propose again hehe. it was really really fun and he was so so sweet hehe. we did that after midnight but before when we watched the ball drop me and johnny and his mom drank some like flavored apple/strawberry/grape cider thingies and it was really good i almost drank the whole strawberry one by myself. also today i convinced johnny to watch a hard days night with me... we didnt finish it because me and him and his family went out to eat but it was still fun hehe. i freaked out and pointed at the screen every time john looked at paul and was literally screaming when they started playing "if i fell" because if you dont know irl john wrote if i fell on the back of a valentines card he gave paul. So ummmm yeah hes a fucking FAGGOT (IM BISEXUAL I CAN SAY IT I SWEAR) but anyways yeah i freaked out over it and johnny did too LMAO. we went to outback and i got the most tender deliciouys beatiful steak ive ever eaten in my whole life... was kinda small but thats because the other sizes were super fucking expensive. they bullied me into getting medium rare instead of rare and i will never fall into peer pressure like that ever again because i oh so badly want to try a rare steak (i was a well done person up until like a year ago) and i just ohhh my god. Yeah baby. they let me take home the bloomin onion they got and in the little takeout box johnny drew mclennon on it and i think the server saw and made a funny ass face. Poor girl doesnt get paid enough for this shit. Anyways just wanted to ramble about my day because it was a really really nice time and i had a lot of fun ehhe. Johnny if ur reading this i love you so much and i still cant believe weve been engaged for a year!!! kisses you so hard.
also update from my last entry: i was in fact still high from the edible i took the other day and it was a smart decision to call into work because i literally felt like shit. but i am okay now and will be more careful with edibles i was just being kinda fucking stupid abt it.
^ heres the mclennon outback takeout box btw. also johnnys dad saw it and i had to explain to him what yaoi was. fucking humiliating
i ended up taking today off and tomorrow from work because i dont feel good and also tomorrow is new years!!!...... i took and edible last night with johnny over facetime lmfao and I am somehow still feeling the effects i dont know (according to my calculations like 16 hours ago...) i also got my periodn today and i feel like i might eexplode. so itold my manager i got sick from work (since its been going around and all my coworkerds have been sick) and she said it was alright and said "Ok feel better" She is funny ovet text. I feel bad though because im scared i wont have enough money for rent :((( i will try to get more hours in later this week or next week or something !!!! i wanna talk to my manager abt it because it wuuld really help me out and ive been meaning to as k about overtime for a while /. anyways thats how my day has been okay bye.
Update because i want to type more
i fucking loce the beatles somuch. when i take edibles all i do is sit there and listen to the beatles and watch the help music video over and overa again on loop while i rock back and forth . im literally a mclennon truther they were so fuckjig gay. they literally wrtoe songs for each other all the time and john only married yoko because he was jealous of paul and linda. i litealy love the beatles so much. BEATLE FUN FACT: The fifth beatle is yoko ono. ANOTHER BEATLE FUN FACT: that was a joke. The real fifth beatle was brian epstein who was their gay manager who john had sex with and im not kidding. They went to barcelona together in 1963 right after johns wife gave birth . What a gay dick. The last words john ever said topaul in person were "think about me every now and then, old friend" which was the title of the song that he made a demo of on a tape recorder that got turned into now and then the last beatles song ever that they used ai to make and stuff :( He literally was so fucking gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay they were both so gay gayg ay EVEN YOKO THOUGHT THAT HE WAS CHEATING ON HER WITH PAUL LITERALL Y
found this pic of the beatles on my dead moms facebook a while ago,., ithink its funny. i love the beatels
today has been a fairly good day so far even though i only woke up like an hour ago. took a shower and now im on facetime with johnny while he eats apples and watches house... i dont want to go to work today because i hate walking in the florida heat to get there. i am not excited i just want to stay home and play my puter all day!!! its okay though because i only work til tuesday and even then i might leave early or take the day off entirely because its new years and i wanna go to johnnys cuz its our engagement anniversary (btw were engaged hehe he proposed last new years.)